Being A Friend

I had hoped to have a well organized Autism Awareness Month schedule of posts, but since we are in the middle of a move (more about that in a future post), I will be sharing my autism messages more sporadically.  I'd like to offer the following story about being a friend:

On Friday, December 18th, 2010, I walked into my friend, Erica's home for a playdate with 2 year old Deane and 7 week old Kate, where we were cheerfully greeted by Maddison and Kylie.  The three "big" kids quickly headed for the basement as I was unloading baby Kate. (Their home is one of the few places I feel truly comfortable letting Deane play freely and the other kids really look out for him - such a gift!)

I didn't notice until she started speaking that Erica was nervous, but she started "Don't be mad at me, but I wanted to mention something to you".  She proceeded to explain that some of the characteristics Deane displayed reminded her of a family member with autism.

Although we had Deane "cleared" of any concern regarding his language delay at his 2nd birthday, I (and I now know others close to us) knew deep down that something was amiss.  Erica listened to me explain how we were aware of the potential concerns, but we had checked into it...he's a boy...it will work out.  She didn't try to convince me. The small seed let out what I knew in my heart and by the following morning I had spoken with our pediatrician (conveniently at our family Christmas) about scheduling our evaluation at the University of Iowa.

I can't imagine the courage required of Erica with the uncertainty of what these comments would do our 10+ year friendship with her and husband, Travis.  What brings tears to my eyes in telling this story is that she put my child first before herself.  There was no benefit for her in being right, but she loved us dearly enough to put our son first.  I have since heard from a number of people that either they are struggling with how to approach someone for whom they were concerned their child might have autism and also a couple "I can't believe he/she thinks my kid has autism".  To both the worried friend and the skeptical parent, I say, remember, this is for our children.  We must face extremely scary and unsettling things for them.  Why not have your child assessed without trying to sway the assessment?  Why not really look at the symptoms that might be displaying?  Being helpless, confused, afraid and angry is not something we can easily sign up for, but the days, months, or years that we don't invest in kids with autism Right Now will have an impact on the rest of their lives.  I say this humbly as a mother who lived in denial for several months.  Diagnosis isn't the end, it's the key to opening up help (in the form of services, insurance, school assistance, etc).  And perhaps a diagnosis isn't the answer, but if there is concern, there may skills that would be aided with speech, OT, etc.  The sooner we bravely begin the process of accepting the possibility, the sooner we can help our little ones.

Be brave and be a friend like Erica.